Mississippi State Hires Church League Softball Pitcher as Pitching Coach
Sep 19, 2015; Starkville, MS, USA; Mississippi State Bulldogs mascot Bully is seen on the field before the game against the Northwestern State Demons at Davis Wade Stadium. Mississippi State won 62-13. Mandatory Credit: Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports
News broke on Thursday that Mississippi State coach John Cohen had found former pitching coach Butch Thompson’s replacement in Dallas Baptist Pitching Coach Wes Johnson. College baseball analysts across the industry applauded the hire. Dallas Baptist was one of the best teams in the country in 2015 and the pitching staff led by Johnson was a significant contributing factor.
But according to Maroon and White Nation sources*, John Cohen has made a costly error. John Cohen did not read the resume of Johnson closely enough and actually hired the pitcher of Dallas Baptist Church Softball Team’s Starting Pitcher, also named Wes Johnson. Cohen is reportedly scrambling** to correct his mistake.
When Maroon and White Nation inquired as to how Cohen made such an error, our sources*** indicated Cohen was more focused on researching a new offensive strategy for the Mississippi State hitters. While this part of the story might sound encouraging to fans of Mississippi State Baseball, the hitting strategy is how to win baseball games by having every hitter in the lineup bunt every time they come to the plate.
According to our sources****, Athletic Director Scott Stricklin tried to point out the error Cohen had made when the coach presented Stricklin with the hiring request. When Stricklin did so, Cohen simply rocked back and forth, saying “BBUUNNTT!!” Stricklin again tried to convince Cohen he was hiring the wrong person and Cohen then replied more adamantly, “BBBUUUNNNTTT!!!” and began to chase Stricklin with a baseball bat. Stircklin was never in any serious danger because Cohen was assuming a bunting stance the entire time.
Cohen was finally knocked out of his stupor when he was told the wrong Wes Johnson would be presented to the media today. Cohen is now trying to convince the correct Wes Johnson to fly in for an interview and take the job. The incorrect Wes Johnson will not be hired, unless he can figure out a way to make that bunting strategy work. We will keep you informed as the story develops.*****
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*There are no sources for this story. It isn’t a real story.
**Cohen isn’t scrambling. It isn’t a real story.
***Again, still no sources. It isn’t a real story.
****Still no sources. It isn’t a real real story.
*****This story will not develop. It isn’t a real story.
Just in case you have yet to figure this out, this isn’t a real story. It’s satire. The Bulldogs did indeed hire the correct Wes Johnson.