Nov 29, 2014; Oxford, MS, USA; Mississippi State Bulldogs head coach Dan Mullen stands on the sidelines against the Mississippi Rebels at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. The Rebels won 31-17. Mandatory Credit: Spruce Derden-USA TODAY Sports
Upon a recent visit to a Starkville psychiatrist, Dan Mullen was presented with some dreadful news: he has multiple personality disorder. It’s a pretty big shock that no one was expecting, but recent events forced his wife, Megan Mullen, to encourage Dan to seek help.
Due to the diagnosis, Mississippi State’s head football coach will now go by “Dan Mullens”. Here’s a statement released to the press:
"I have decided to change my name to Dan Mullens to accurately reflect my multiple personality disorder. From now on you will not know which Dan Mullen you are talking to, so why not just encompass them all by making my name plural? This shouldn’t be a big change as there is a large number of fans who have been calling me “Mullens” for years."
From what we can tell, Coach
Mullens has five personalities:
- ticked off with low-pitched voice
- happy-go-lucky with high-pitched voice
- bird watcher (mostly occurs when giving halftime and postgame interviews, you’ll see his head violently turn in either direction as he sees birds)
- pizza maker using accent of Luigi from Nintendo
- toddler Dan – general sign is he’s chewing on his laminated card and yelling at the zebras
Going forward for MSU football, this shouldn’t have any adverse affect. The multiple personalities have been going on for several years. But since it’s been diagnosed it can now be treated. Fortunately athletic director Scott Stricklin just purchased some land that Coach Mullens and his doctor may use to practice controlling the personalities in a private, open field. It will be called “Strickland”. Here’s what we gathered from the head of athletics himself:
"Really I was planning to use the Strickland property as a decoy for both of my detractors on the Six Pack Speak and EliteDawgs message boards. They’ve been sending strongly worded letters to the Strickland family residence on Montgomery Street. That poor ole lady has had quite a few sweaty foreheads after reading their filth. So I’ll set up a mailbox on the land and hopefully they’ll send the letters to the new address. Dan can do whatever he wants out there, I don’t care, just win football games."
If you or anyone you know was deceived by this article, then you/they are guilty of the being one of these two:
- a person who uses “Mullens” and/or “Strickland”
- an April Fool