The Loser of the Battle of Highway 82 Has to Annex Reform, AL


Sep 20, 2014; Tuscaloosa, AL, USA; Alabama Crimson Tide fans cheer as the team arrives before their game against the Florida Gators at Bryant-Denny Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jason Getz-USA TODAY Sports

The Battle of Highway 82 will have new meaning this year – the loser has to take ownership of Reform, Alabama.

Here’s a quote from the leader of the movement to give this annual grudge match some higher stakes, Cletus (no last name):

"Everybody know Bama owns Mississippi State. We own every patch of land from T-town to Starkpatch. I know it, you knows it, everybody know it! But us Tahd fans are sick of Reform. I got four speedin’ tickets this summer on my way to go swimmin’ in the Tombigbee. And they don’t cut you no slack even if you got a tat of the Bear on your chest! I don’t want no part of Reform anymore. They are not true to Alabama. It makes me sick to think of such a place, so I say give it to Mississippi."

Cletus thought he had this measure agreed upon last year, but after Alabama won 20-7 Reform did not change hands. Apparently there was fine print that said the winner would be based on the point spread, and since the Crimson Tide were 24 point favorites, Alabama still owned Reform.

So he brought in the big guns: the mayor of Gordo, AL who is a practicing lawyer and the local Barber.

"Gordo and Reform are big rivals you see, so once I told him about getting the contract to say sumthin’ different he helped me out. Reform done beat Gordo in best speed trap 11 years in a row. But it’s cuz Gordo don’t give no tickets to Tahd fans, just outsiders. That’s why Reform need to go.Now we got it all figured out. Straight up, no point spread loser gonna get Reform. That how it be. And you Mississippi State fans may think you got a good team but you don’t know nothin’ about a good team. We a dynasty. Tide gone whip that Bulldog behind."

Some research indicates that despite handing out over 130 speeding tickets a day on a two mile stretch of land, Reform hasn’t been in the black since 1987. Neither Mississippi or Alabama officials were available for comment on the new punishment for the MSU vs. Alabama game.

If Mississippi State does happen to lose this game, the good news is that they will inherit the #1 town in America for dollar stores per capita. Also it has been rumored that Russ, the local sheriff, owns a maroon shirt.