Auburn Fan “Steals All of Starkville’s Cowbells”

Sep 27, 2014; Auburn, AL, USA; Auburn Tigers fans tailgate prior to the game against the Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at Jordan Hare Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Earlier today on The Paul Finebaum Show, an Auburn fan called in to brag about what he had done in Starkville, MS on Monday night. The fan did not give his name or location, but his story was very interesting.

The audio of the conversation was taken off the internet, but I was able to transcribe it before it was deleted. It is as follows:

Caller: Hey Pawl.

Finebaum: Hello and good afternoon.

Caller: How are you, Pawl?

Finebaum: Very well.

Caller: Well, Pawl, I’ve got some news to share.

[20 seconds of dead air]

Finebaum: Ok, what is it?

Caller: I am the eliminator of the cowbell, Pawl.

Finebaum: How so?

Caller: What I did was for all Auburn fans! I hate those cowbells so much. They are such a news, news ants, errr they are irritatin’. They should be banned from the SEC and I did it because it had to be done, Pawl. I am not going to let that horrible noise affect my Tigers.

Finebaum: I’m a little confused, eh, what did you do exactly?

Caller: I drove to Starkpatch, I went to three farms in the middle of the night, on Mondee night, and I took cowbells right off their cows there in Starksville. I got ’em, Pawl. They in my truck right now.

Finebaum: Wait, wait a minute, let me get this straight. You went to Starkville, trespassed on someone’s land and stole bells from necks of all the cows? This seems a bit extreme doesn’t it?

Caller: No, it’s not, Pawl. The ghost of Shug Jordan told me to do it and I could not let him down.

Finebaum: You cannot be serious.

Caller: I am, Pawl. Dead serious. There was only four cows with bells around their necks out of probably a hundred heffers I seen on that farm so I knew the other 93 bells were somewhere in Starkville. The onlyiest thing I could figure is they was somewhere else in town. I set out to find them, Pawl, and guess what? I did! I found ’em all at a store called The Lodge and they were painted up and had handles on ’em. That must be where they clean ’em after each game. Well, I took all those cowbells from that place so now there won’t be no more cowbells.

Finebaum: You mean you stole them.

Caller: I did what I had to do for Auburn! I’m not going to force Nick Marshall and Gus Malzahn to have their ears hurtin’ from a bunch of rednecks rangin’ cowbells! It’s the worst noise in the world, Pawl! It should be banned from the SEC!

Finebaum: You already said that. So, so let me get this straight. You went to a farm in Mississippi and stole, or “took” excuse me, four cowbells from the necks of local cows, then proceeded to hunt down the remaining cowbells in Starkville and when you found them you took those too. And now you believe Mississippi State fans will no longer have any bells to ring at the game on Saturday, is that correct?

Caller: Yes, Pawl, that is correct. I just wanted all the Auburn fans listening to the show to known I took care of it. War Damn Eagle, Pawl.

Finebaum: You know this is illegal and could gave potentially have serious consequences don’t you?

Caller: Maybe so, but I just got too much Aubie in me.

Finebaum: Well, there you have it folks!