27 Ways to be a Modern Mississippi State Man

Sep 12, 2015; Starkville, MS, USA; Mississippi State Bulldogs fans cheer during the game against the LSU Tigers at Davis Wade Stadium. LSU defeated Mississippi State 21-19. Mandatory Credit: Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

Recently, Brian Lombardi published 27 Ways to be a Modern Man for the New York Times. I could agree with a few things, and there were things on there I thought made the Modern Man sound like a butt hole.

Regardless to what degree you think he is right or wrong, I decided to take his lead and make people aware of what the Modern Mississippi State Man is like. And if you think the Modern Mississippi State Man sounds like a butt hole, well, that was kind of the angle I was going for. And I was also trying to make them correspond to this guy’s list.

1. The Modern Mississippi State Man will not wear the same shirt more than once a month on Maroon Friday. And he will not have to consult his social media accounts to see which ones he has already worn.
2. The Modern Mississippi State Man will never allow people to think he has lost confidence in his team. He will boast and trash talk regardless of the outcome on the field.
3. The Modern Mississippi State Man knows how to ring responsibly. He knows how to be just as loud without his cowbell as he is with his cowbell.
4. The Modern Mississippi State Man is an expert on the grill. His tailgates are top notch and there is no excuses for substandard tailgate cuisine.
5. The Modern Mississippi State Man knows the spot where he tailgates isn’t as important as the tailgating itself. If his usual spot is taken, he simply sets his tent on another spot.
6. Before the Modern Mississippi State Man goes to bed, he makes sure the cowbells for the family are properly displayed on the mantle.
7. When it comes to beverages, the Modern Mississippi State Man will always have plenty of options available for his tailgaters. But he won’t tolerate someone complaining if their favorite choice was not available.
8. The Modern Mississippi State man is aware of all the nicknames of the players on the team. And he knows to refer to them by their nickname when making a great play and their given name when they screw up.
9. When the Modern Mississippi State Man has a daughter, he knows how to buy her a Bulldog cheerleading outfit. And he isn’t ashamed to buy the outfit by himself.
10. The Modern Mississippi State Man will make sure all the required elements of the tailgate are properly packed the night before the game. And he will not blame his wife if something isn’t there.
11. The Modern Mississippi State Man knows the only acceptable hashtag during in game tweeting is #HailState.
12. Before a tailgate, the Modern Mississippi State Man will check his spices and sauces. If one is too low, he will replace them before he readies his tailgate.
13. The Modern Mississippi State Man will have the fight song by the Famous Maroon Band on his playlist, and will practice singing it before each game.
14. The Modern Mississippi State Man will not need a list for his tailgate shopping. He is an artist and an artist is never restricted by any lists.
15. The Modern Mississippi State Man will own a truck, or at the very least will have access to a truck. He knows that a tailgate cannot happen without an actual tailgate in the vicinity.
16. The Modern Mississippi State Man will always walk by his wife on the side closest to any drunken spectators. He is to be her shield from any unbecoming remarks that might be made by someone in a drunken stupor, or any projectile vomiting that might ensue.
17. Does the Modern Mississippi State Man have a baster? How else do you explain his perfectly juicy steaks and burgers?
18. The Modern Mississippi State Man has seriously thought about buying a bullhorn.
19. The Modern Mississippi State Man knows a tailgate is not just for him but also for the ladies present. He is willing to buy a centerpiece to make them feel more welcome.
20. On occasion, the Modern Mississippi State Man is the one in need of a hug after a tough loss.
21. The Modern Mississippi State Man will never scold his small children for not ringing responsibly. He will use it as a teaching moment.
22. The Modern Mississippi State Man will not have a newspaper subscription because he knows all the newspapers are written by Ole Miss apologists.
23. The Modern Mississippi State Man will have all of Jack Cristil’s best calls readily available.
24. The Modern Mississippi State Man will not get hung up on the number of dents on his cowbell. He knows those are just signs of character.
25. The Modern Mississippi State Man has no use for a pom pon. He has a cowbell. He will never have a use for a pom pon and never will.
26. The Modern Mississippi State Man cries after a loss. But he doesn’t cry as much since Dan Mullen arrived.
27. People aren’t sure if the Modern Mississippi State man is a good dancer or not. And they likely will never know for certain because the only time he will is when too much alcohol has been partaken of and the Hey Song begins to play.

*FYI, if you take this seriously and get offended, don’t. I don’t do most of this.

Next: The Quintessential Mississippi State All Time Team