Oxford, Mississippi To Be Renamed Hell Due To Recent Study


In a recent study, Oxford, Mississippi was shown to consistently have higher temperatures than anywhere else in the State of Mississippi. Due to this, the Oxford Board of Alderman has been forced to take dramatic action to the dismay of its residents. Late this Monday, the Board of Alderman voted to pass a movement that would rename the city from Oxford to Hell.

Earlier this month, a study was released by an independent climatological firm that showed Oxford as having consistently higher temperatures than anywhere else in the state. Using temperature data from the past 30 years, the climatological firm Baker, Johnson, and Young, LLC determined that the temperature anomaly could not be explained by normal means. Looking for answers, they contacted local experts on the weather in the Oxford area. Some of the conclusions were eye-opening for even some of the critics of this study.

"While looking through data that was compiled by Baker, Johnson, and Young, we noticed that the Oxford, Mississippi data seemed to be a dramatic statistical outlier. Through further investigation with local experts, we have come to a few conclusions as to what is causing the extreme increase in temperatures.The main conclusion that we have come to is the large amount of hot air given off by local residents is the main contributor to the increase in temperatures. With a 5 °F average increase in temperatures for the area, we believe that the approximate amount of hot air released is equivalent to around 58,000 adults, or the capacity of the local Vaught-Hemingway Stadium"

Some of the unforeseen consequences of this large amount of hot air being released are an increase in sun dresses being worn in the area and an increase in precipitation. With this increase in precipitation, University of Mississippi officials have released a statement regarding Thursday night’s matchup with #18 Mississippi State University in Women’s Basketball action at 8:00 PM CST.

"In preparation for the Thursday, January 22 game between the Mississippi State University Lady Bulldogs and the Ole Miss Lady Rebels, we have ordered 5,000 rain ponchos to be shipped in time for the game. These ponchos should provide enough coverage for those in attendance, so that none are inconvenienced by the gratuitous amounts of rainfall experienced inside Tad Smith Coliseum.We deeply regret that our facilities are in such condition that ponchos are needed for games, but we feel that it is best to move forward in our dedication to living in the past. We have hereby cancelled our construction of a new basketball facility, and will aim to create the first outdoor basketball facility in the NCAA. However, games may be delayed, or even cancelled, due to inclement weather conditions throughout the season.Go Rebels/Black Bears/Land Sharks,Ross Bjork Esq."

With these things in mind, we here at Maroon and White Nation wish all of those who will be in attendance for the game safe travels. Also, be sure to congratulate Rebel fans in the area as they make this transition to a newer, better city.  To all of you soon-to-be Hell-dwellers, may you enjoy the first outdoor basketball stadium in the NCAA. I’m sure your esteemed Engineering department is proud of this accomplishment. Meanwhile, we here at Mississippi State will just look and shake our heads.