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The Totally Serious Opponent Report: Sakerlina

By Josh Barnhill

Sep 1, 2016; Nashville, TN, USA; South Carolina Gamecocks head coach Will Muschamp with his wife Carol following the game against the Vanderbilt Commodores at Vanderbilt Stadium. South Carolina won 13-10. Mandatory Credit: Jim Brown-USA TODAY Sports
Sep 1, 2016; Nashville, TN, USA; South Carolina Gamecocks head coach Will Muschamp with his wife Carol following the game against the Vanderbilt Commodores at Vanderbilt Stadium. South Carolina won 13-10. Mandatory Credit: Jim Brown-USA TODAY Sports /
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It’s time to take a looks at the Sakerlina football team.

Coach Boom vs. Coach Smiley.

One guy explodes on the sidelines about the slightest things. The other guy smiles when his kicker misses a 28 yard field goal sealing a loss to a Sun Belt team.

A. Sakerlina had a rough season last year. They went 3-9. So that’s why they brought in Coach Boom to help – he turned around his 4-8 Florida Gator team and went 6-5 the next year. Ultimately he left to take the position of Auburn defensive coordinator where he led the Tigers’ D to the lofty spot of 71st in the country.

The Gamecocks say goodbye to the Ole Ball Coach who spent 10.5 seasons in Columbia, then quit in the middle of the season and is now a Florida Gator cheerleader. The Ole Ball Coach had more success against MSU at Sakerlina (4-0) than he did when he was at Florida (2-2).

2. So why is no one suggesting Sakerlina change their mascot? The gamecock is another name for a rooster who participates in cockfights. Cockfighting is illegal. Where’s Pita?

I say merge with fellow in-state school Coastal Carolina, who is the Chanticleers. A chanticleers is a mythical rooster used in fairy tales. That would make for one powerhouse college baseball program that couldn’t be stopped, and put the rooster where it belongs in society: make believe cockfighting.

D. South Carolina is 1-0 because Derek Mason is an idiot. He literally removed his starting quarterback from the game up 10-0 and lost 13-10. So now Coach Boom is 1-0 and Coach Smiley is 0-1 because he’s

an idiot

wasn’t prepared.

Look out for Gamecock punter, Sean Kelly. Rumor has it he punts with Nerf balls in practice. Also, he was pictured in Phil Steele’s Sakerlina preview (not a rumor).

The last time the Cocks came to Starkville they won, 16-14, but MSU covered the spread (-3). This time the Bulldogs are favored by a touchdown. Maybe MSU will win and Sakerlina will cover the spread. I don’t know, we’ll see.

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