The Battle of Highway 82 will have new meaning this year – the loser has to take ownership of Reform, Alabama.
Here’s an quote from the leader of the movement to give this annual grudge match some higher stakes, Cletus (no last name):
Everybody know Bama owns Mississippi State. We own every patch of land from T-town to Starkfeel. I know it, you knows it, everybody know it! But us Tahd fans are sick of Reform. I got four speedin’ tickets last month on my way to go swimmin’ in the Tombigbee. And they don’t cut you no slack even if you got a tat of the Bear on your chest!
Apparently Cletus has been trying to get the football programs to accept his conditions for some time now. But until the night he was working security for the Beta Alpha Beta Alpha (BAMA) band party in September when he struck up a conversation with the son of the Gordo, AL mayor he was unable to advance his cause. Gordo is the rival town of Reform and has lost to them in number of speeding tickets issued to people going no more than 5 miles per hour over the speed limit for the last five years.
Cletus explains how it all went down:
Well, you see I never got a ticket in Gordo cuz I know Chuck, he’s the fuzz there, and he never stops me. So I ain’t got no hate for Gordo like I do Reform. When I met the son of the mayor of Gordo I knew he knew Nick Saban and could get me a meetin’ with the man. But turns out he didn’t know Nick, so I just had to tell him my idear and sure ’nuff it came to be. Here I am talking to you, it’s a dream really. I know the Tahd gonna kill MSU.
Neither Mississippi or Alabama officials were available for comment on the new punishment for the MSU vs. Alabama game. I asked a Mississippi State fan her thoughts about potentially owning Reform, but she was unable to answer after cold sweats and feverish shaking rendered her speechless.
If Mississippi State does happen to lose this game (they are 24 point underdogs), the good news is that they will inherit the #1 town in America for dollar stores per capita. Also it has been rumored that Russ, the local sheriff, owns a maroon shirt.